Give the Guy a Chance?

Since the theme of this week seems to be difficult questions, a couple more items to mull over:

1) Which is a more precious commodity: a guy who reliably and inexpensively takes car of your car, or a good date?

and, related:

2) What should be the bar for going out with someone?

The other day I was telling my friend A–actually he’s a D, but way back I got flustered by my preponderance of male D’s so I started calling him A, and then forgot, which is clearly confusing and ineffective. Can we just call him D for now? Anyway, I was telling him about a guy I had agreed to go out with, in a fashion that apparently came across as less than enthusiastic: he was cute, I said. A little bit nerdy. Smart. Nice lips. Kinda pompous.

“Wow,” he remarked. “So you’re dismissing him before you even go out with him?”

“No!” I retorted. “I mean, I wouldn’t be going out with him if I didn’t think I might like him.”

D continued fixing his skeptical glare toward me: “Sure,” he said.

The thing is that I usually know immediately when I like someone. And I feel they usually know immediately too. And then we both get all excited and carried away and by now we all now where that leads: a little place called, approximately, and often miserably, nowhere.

A couple of weeks ago a friend who had just met someone she really liked asked how soon was too soon for her to bring up spending a weekend together. It had only been one or two dates at that point, so I felt pretty confident in counseling that now, for example, would qualify as too soon. “Who do you think you are, me?” I teased her.

Oddly displeased with the comparison at first, she came around soon after. “You’re totally right,” she wrote to me. “It is too soon. But when has it been long enough?” She then relayed an anecdote about friends of hers who went on a three week vacation almost immediately after they first met. They’re about to get married.

“Moving quickly doesn’t always work out,” she acknowledged. “But sometimes it does!”

Amen, sister. Sometimes it does. And I think that’s what I have to bank on. Because when I try and date in a more conventional/reasonable way, going out with people who I’m not initially all that excited about, rarely do I ever get excited about them.

I mean, I’m sure it’s possible for someone to grow on you. It’s probably happened that someone I wasn’t immediately attracted to became more attractive as I got to know them.

Which I guess is why I do sometimes heed the advice of friends and “give the guy a chance.” What do you have to lose, they reason, besides an evening?

Which is true. But frankly I like my evenings. I never seem to have enough of them.

And I fear that “giving the guy a chance” more often that not leads to another dilemma I find even more difficult: how do you tell someone that you don’t want to go out with them again? (These days, I’m not sure whether the “I’m just not looking for anything serious” card is really at my disposal.)

Which brings me, at long last, to question number one: what to do about my incredibly nice, incredibly generous, totally handsome car mechanic–who I’m not initially sure I’m attracted to but have that “maybe I could be” feeling about–insinuating that he’d like to take me on a date.

An occasional evening I can spare. But a good, reliable car guy? I’m not so sure.

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4 Comments

Filed under Love Life

4 responses to “Give the Guy a Chance?

  1. ep

    I think it goes back to that “edge” thing; if he’s cute, with nice lips, and nerdy–and you think you could like him because you should like him… well then the ingredients are missing. But if you think you could like him because there’s something there you’re still interested in discovering… and kinda pompous actually means a little mysterious, then maybe you shouldn’t dismiss him…

    And a good guy may be hard to find, but a good car guy is nearly impossible. so don’t give that up πŸ˜‰

    • Yeah, I think the verdict is in on the first matter πŸ™‚ And on the second…haven’t had to deal with it yet, but right now I’m leaning towards risking it! Yikes!

  2. Dana Levin

    The answer to your first question is: A

    The three guys in my life that mattered the most—the best boyfriends, the best experiences—began with me being completely dismissive, even repulsed by them.

    So now, when I meet someone and I have a totally judgemental dismissive or repulsed response, I decide it might mean I like ’em. πŸ™‚

    (we shall defer psychoanalyzing said mode)

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